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Thursday, May 31, 2001
BOTH SIDES
Ripped on salon.com on Richard's May 30th weblog. Appropriately, God humbled me today. On the way home, I was listening to Christian radio. I found that both sides piss me off.
There was a young lady on the line with a wise sounding pastor. He was talking about how we have God's law written in our hearts. She was very agreeable and sweet, saying that before God revealed Himself to her, she didn't even know what was right and wrong. He responded with condescending disbelief. He asked her "didn't you know at a young age that having sex with someone you aren't married to is wrong?"
She replied no.
He continued, "Didn't you feel guilty after your first sexual experience?"
She said with some reluctance, "Actually... no. I now know what is right, but it was just something you did growing up when you cared for someone."
I couldn't listen to that anymore. I quickly changed the station to non-Christian pop music. I was so disgusted at that line of questioning. Why is it that sexuality is the first thing everyone wants to harp on? What about hate, pride, selfishness? And to ask about her first sexual experience in that round about way makes me sick. Give me Janet Jackson and idle talk about sports over that any day.
Right. Time to call for another round of grace for everyone. Christian mocking Salon.com, sex obsessed Pastors, and easily angered Michael. Its a good thing God has got our backs.
caveat: 740AM K-Bright is often very good... except for constantly promoting Christian books, tapes, seminars, bookmarks, stickers, not to mention the really slow music.
random happy note: I actually feel happy to be single. Not just in my head, but in my heart. That means I'm ready for a girlfriend right?
posted by michael at 6:23 PM |
Wednesday, May 30, 2001
NO LIST
I'll try not to list a bunch of different things w/o any elaboration. It isn't that I don't have a bunch of topics to write about, but I feel like writing about yesterday.
Last night, I was reading Psalm 150. It was nice to read the big book again. I especially liked the psalm's simplicity. It starts off with a general statement "praise the Lord", and ends with the same. Inside, it states two places where God is, describes Him in two ways, and follows with a list of instruments to use as we praise Him. The psalm wraps up with 'let everything that has breath praise the Lord.'
There is a sense of joy, of a party, of happiness. Trumpets, cymbals, harps, dancing...
There was a sense of mystery. What are the heavenly realms? Why is God a Him again?
Last, there was a sense that it was true. Praise the Lord.
posted by michael at 7:30 PM |
Tuesday, May 29, 2001
NOTES FOR FUTURE WEBLOGS
Too busy in general to update the page, unfortunately. Hopefully I can get to it asap.
Just some quick references to things I will hopefully be able to write about.
Cham side family tree, having the cousins visit, drinking, smoking, talking about girls and God at bars in Hollywood, first impressions of the Dresden and Lava Lounge, buying and trying the Ultimate Gym 1500, just how lovely the los angeles Lakers play, having a good time with the Dad talking about ghost stories, going to countries and not just spending money, but providing a humble service and utilizing your money, my next theatrical opportunity, Michael in an 80's Christian pantomime, what do I want? to shake up the Fellowship or break down the Fellowship?
All that and more... stay tuned friends....
posted by michael at 8:33 AM |
Saturday, May 26, 2001
JUST WOKE UP
Its 1:47pm and these are my thoughts...
When an evil spirit is cast out, the emptiness had best be filled with Jesus. If not, even more dangerous spirits can come in and take over...
The Lakers are a work of beauty to behold. Even for an underdog lover such as myself, I can't help but be in awe of their hustle, teamwork, and skill.
I had been holding off buying the Total Gym, for two hundred dollars. Well I spent about one hundred last night treating some friends to sushi, and then I spent more on drinks. Might as well buy something that doesn't leave my body in less than 24 hours.
Bar tip: Vodka tonic is also called Sky tonic.
posted by michael at 1:44 PM |
Friday, May 25, 2001
SURVIVAL
This week is almost done. I am so looking forward to the three day weekend. Emotional highs and lows, long hours at work, and too much eating pretty much describe my week. With all the drama going on, it feels as though the television show that is my life was having its own kind of season finale.
I have some good news. The Streetscape plan I have been working on now has a chance of being implemented. We had a meeting with the council office yesterday, and the field deputy informed me that they were given about 1/2 a million federal dollars to spend on improvements. Hot damn! If you don't get it yet, it means the street trees, benches, architecturally enhanced crosswalks, and other elements I planned will be able to get off my piece of paper and get on the public right-of-way.
posted by michael at 8:30 AM |
Thursday, May 24, 2001
SOBER
If you think Bush feels badly over Jeffords, I have news for you. I feel even worse.
The bottom line is that there is a situation with my promotional exam. I scored well but seem to be on the 'non city-worker' list. I have filed a request to see if I can be switched over but they say it will take a month to find out. If I checked the wrong box on my application, it may be my own fault.
I've been having nightmares ever since I found out. Nothing shocking or dramatic, just a constant low level burn of insecurity.
The worst part about his whole mess is that it has jump started my prayer life. Its very sobering to realize that this humiliation may have positive repercussions. Besides the constant pleading, my only recourse for relief has been throwing myself into whatever I am doing. Gotta keep living. Sitting there helpless is just too painful.
posted by michael at 8:12 AM |
Wednesday, May 23, 2001
LA
It is getting hot here in the San Fernando Valley. The part that gets to me the most is when I am in the car getting direct sunlight.
What have I been up to? Working late, and having my brain turn off when I get home. I have seen parts of season finales to Frasier, Roswell, and Buffy. Saw five unbearable minutes of 'Weakest link' too.
posted by michael at 12:45 PM |
Tuesday, May 22, 2001
COLDPLAY: SPIES
"I awake to find no peace of mind,
I said, how do you live as a fugitive?
Down here where I cannot see so clear.
I said, what do I know?
Show me the right way to go,
And the spies came out of the water,
But you're feeling so bad cos you know,
and the spies hide out in every corner,
But you can't touch them no,
Cos they're all spies, they're all spies."
posted by michael at 7:30 AM |
Monday, May 21, 2001
WEEKEND
In the last entry, I was way too tired to write about my excellent weekend. It was so good that I was willing to try and be a bit more 'dead' to myself, in hopes of being more 'alive' in Christ. Of course, all you valued cyber-mike readers got was the post "ok God, I did it and its hard" whining.
I feel like a chess piece that God positions strategically. He puts friends into my life that impress, support and motivate me. He leads me into to missions trips with a bunch of Christians who not only are old enough to be my parents, but have a fire for Christ that I love being around. I pray for help with a 'thorn' one day and he sends me an accountability partner the next. He has me write testimonies for youth camp reminding me of the good stuff that had happened before. To boot, God even hooked me up by giving me a high score on my promotional interview. After all this, a guy can't help but try and be a bit more dead for his Lord.
posted by michael at 9:20 AM |
HARD
What are some of the hard things in life? Confession. Turning away from something because God says it's sin. Trusting that God will satisfy you in every way you need.
It is already a miracle that God has brought me to this point. Its honestly not a good feeling. Still, there is that glimmer of hope that it should be worth all the pain. Why else would I do it?
Will I follow through? Damnit, I dont' even want to think about that one just yet.
posted by michael at 1:26 AM |
Friday, May 18, 2001
TIPSY
Oh, if you want to hear Tipsy, here is a link my friend put up for me to check out.
posted by michael at 9:39 AM |
Thursday, May 17, 2001
PERSONA
Tipsy didn't show at the Knitting Factory, so we didn't go. Kind of disappointing, but not really a big deal. We negotiated an alternate plan and decided to watch Persona at this old theater in LA. It was written and directed by Ingmar Bergman. I had never seen a movie by this crazy sixties swede, but had only heard lots about him. I think he was in the top 15 directors of all time as listed by Entertainment weekly.
Anyway, the movie was quite good. The direction was very spare. It was only an hour and a half long, and there were only three or four actors in the film. Still, it made for a very powerful psychological drama. Much of the film had a dream-like quality to it, and as viewers watching, much of the interpretation is left to us. It is a bit hard to explain, but the film explores the idea of identity, truth, and ultimately, the difficulty and dynamics inherent in communication. Almost the entire film follows the relationship between an actress, Elisabeth, who refuses to speak, and the nurse, Alma, who is charged to care for her. Their interaction and eventual connection are frightening to watch develop.
Maybe it was the the black and white filming, the use of 60's suspense music, or even the pacing, but the entire movie felt like a really good, long, deep and thoughtful twilight zone episode in subtitles.
I can see why Ingmar is so revered. He did some interesting things. The opening credits displays a series of images, which he comes back with at the end. During the movie itself, he also uses some of powerful images during points of importance. One really freaked me out, not that it was so scary in of itself, but the timing and drama created was awesome, making it work. Another thing that was cool was this one scene between the nurse and the actress. He plays it twice, each time showing only one person's face. It was a rather long interaction, but again really worked, showing subtle and not so subtle things with each perspective. The last thing I want to mention is this subtle scene where we watch the actress in bed. The light slowly dims over a long period of time. It creates an effect where for a second we can't see her, and then when our eyes adjust, we see her face take shape again. This continues for quite a while and we lose her and see her over and over. The entire time, she stares blankly past us, not even blinking. For some reason, it was very cool to me.
So lets bottom line it, if you don't mind 60's film technique, the twilight zone, innovative directors, and disturbing ideas, I highly recommend this film.
Random note: One shot from the movie is the cover of an Ocean Blue CD I like.
posted by michael at 11:53 PM |
Wednesday, May 16, 2001
MY GENERATION
Finally feeling like someone in my generation. You know, like one of those mid-twenty somethings who work really long hours and find themselves at the office after 8:30pm. Usually that isn't me. I get to work at 7:15am and leave at 4pm. Well I am proud to say that I am still in my office. Damn it feels good.
posted by michael at 8:34 PM |
Tuesday, May 15, 2001
THAT FEELING
I can feel things building. I can see the direction I am headed in. I can see my life take shape in front of me. I think I like it, but I feel tugged, pushed and pulled off the path.
On a simpler level, I can feel the tension build. Not a bad tension, but as events, deadlines, commitments, and responsibilities begin to form around me... I feel a need to calm myself tonight. Staff report needs to be done by Friday. I am going before the Cultural Affairs commission Thursday. The results from Public Works should be in by Friday as well, and I need to make the appropriate changes in the document. I am going to the Knitting Factory on Thursday night. Friday I will head out to the Cambodia missions trip retreat. I will return Saturday night to have a final social event with Kwan, who will be leaving for Arkansas. Sunday morning is church, where I also will assist in Sunday school.
Its going to be a wild ride. Now if I can keep myself from getting sick, it will be the ultimate coup.
posted by michael at 9:05 PM |
Monday, May 14, 2001
RIGHT, WRONG, AND RELATIONSHIPS
When is something so important that I am willing to sacrifice a relationship? When is a disagreement enough impetus to cut off a friendship?
I am fairly opinionated and enjoy discussing things. That really isn't a problem (or shouldn't be) when people are simply exchanging ideas, but there is a problem when a decision needs to be made together, or if a decision needs to be made that will affect another person, much less a larger group of people.
When this occurs, I find that the threat of discord often times outweighs my sense of what is right or wrong. This is especially true when the threat is a severed relationship. I feel like my way is one way, thier way is another, the advantages and disadvantages are not as important as keeping the people involved happy. It is almost as if there is a game of chicken going on. They can bluff (and I do think it often times is a bluff) that the relationship will be thrown over a cliff, and I'll cave.
The problem is that the story does not end there. What results is that I lose interest. I begin to become passive in my participation. The relationship takes a blow despite my attempts at keeping the peace because I myself become somewhat disconnected. The interesting thing is that I don't become passive because I want things my way (though, it plays a part). It has more to do with the fact that I don't like how the situation had become so personal and almost severed the relationship.
Obviously some things are non-negotiable, but honestly, I can't think of too many. I don't like being held hostage to that type of threat. I also don't like my passive response, especially if the decision is for me. I end up being passive concerning my own life. In a larger organization, what does that say about my ability to lead?
A few steps:
1. Understand what is important and what isn't, act accordingly...
2. Have the savvy to know the person(s) you are dealing with...
3. Think clearly and don't be afraid of loss...
4. Be aware of passive aggressive tendencies...
posted by michael at 4:03 PM |
Sunday, May 13, 2001
ROLE REVERSAL
It has been a interesting evening. Rob and I had a good time going bar hopping. We first went to Bigfoot Lodge in Los Feliz, Good Luck bar on Sunset, and ended the night with late night eats at The Pantry downtown, all of which are very cool places. I am always glad to catch up with my ex-roomie. He was kind enough to make me a great mix too. I am not familiar with much of it, but it is very cool, urban, DJ, type music. Some already notable stuff I recognize is a Johnny Cash take on U2's One, and a Coldplay track that sounds a bit like Dave Matthews.
Anyway, the night would have been perfect but something stranged happened at The Pantry. We were minding our own business when this large drunk asian guy in an orange tank top asked me if I was Leonard Lee. I said no, and that all us asians look alike. We both laughed and went back to our respective conversations. In the back of my mind, I got a bad vibe. I think this guy is gay and was picking up on me. Whatever, its all good. It's over now. Nope. Later on, he calls out to me "Do you want to play house?" He and his friends, another asian guy in preppy clothes, and an African American in normal urban clothes were laughing histerically. I replied "No thank you, don't forget I'm not Leonard."
We soon left and I couldn't help feel a bit disgusted. I felt like a woman who had been accosted by a guy. What an ugly feeling. Well I want to apologise to all the women out there who are hit on by horny rude drunk guys. It sucks. I am so thankful that when I am horny and drunk, I never hit on girls in a rude way (i've never said do you want to play house, thats for sure).
I need to sleep but wanted to get this down as soon as possible. Its one of those things that's pretty disgusting at the moment but get funnier with each passing moment. What a life eh?
posted by michael at 4:13 AM |
Saturday, May 12, 2001
EXTENDED FAMILY
I often times describe myself as someone who has a few very close friends, lots of acquaintances and not much in the middle ground. I realize that I say this for reasons that don’t have any basis on truth.
I do have a few whom I adore and am passionately devoted to. I depend on them, wish the best for them, and need them desperately. I try to communicate that, but like people often times do, I create an outside so that there can be an inside. I devalue the middle ground friendships in order to communicate value to the closest of friends.
Another reason I do this is because I have a difficult time with the middle ground. This sounds rather silly and childish, but I hate being hurt. In the middle ground, the levels of trust, honesty, vulnerability, and loyalty are constantly shifting. My friend always worries about any sort of romance I get into, he said, "Mike really throws himself into the relationship." The same goes for friendship. I am much more comfortable when the lines are clear, where you are good friends or just casual acquaintances.
There are more simple explanations as well. I can be overly sensitive. My personality can rub people the wrong way and I just want to be clear whether or not I 'let it all hang out'. When the lines are clear, I know when to be on performance (which isn't as fake as it sounds) or when I can let all my failings, insecurities, and even love appropriately be shown.
Anyway, I realize that it’s not a good thing to be like that. Even worse, it simply isn't true. I do have these middle relationships with their ever-shifting nature. For me, these middle ground friendships usually happen at church, work, or school. Well I am not in school anymore, and most of my workmates are much older than me (which keeps the friendship expectations lower). Church is really where I experience this, especially since I am so involved.
Well I found myself at a birthday party today. We watched the basketball game, caught up on each other’s lives, and went around in a circle and said nice things about the birthday girl. I left the party with a sincere sense that I had been lying to myself. We all have friends at many different levels that are constantly changing, and so do I. Maybe not all are too close to me, but it would be unfair to call them simply acquaintances. You might say they are like my extended family, whom I can love and appreciate regardless the relationship.
posted by michael at 5:46 PM |
Friday, May 11, 2001
GOOD MOOD
What makes Michael a happy boy?
Yesterday I was glad to catch up with some close friends (sammy, vic, jas, and dan), especially since all of us are so busy now-a-days. I am almost done choosing songs for my 2001 mix: The first three tracks are David Gray (Babylon), Garbage (You look so fine), and Dar Williams (And a God descended). I enjoyed the relaxed casual friday atmosphere at work (it's the calm before next week's hellish deadlines). I read some insightful, intelligent, and absolutely adorable weblogs. My friend posted an impressive recipe for Ceasar salad dressing that I can't wait to try. I got two totally unexpected free nosebleed tickets to an Angels game from my credit card. I am looking forward to having sushi tonight at 5pm, when we can monopolize the chef! I have been thinking about what to order all day, especially when i skipped lunch heh. I feel this complete sense of confidence that the Lakers will repeat this year. I am looking forward to going to the Knitting Factory with robbie this upcoming Thursday as well. To cap it all off, I am getting three paychecks this month, which eases my stranglehold budget.
Hm... looking back. I can see some trends... Community (real, and internet), food (cooking and eating), music (live and cd), sports (baseball and basketball) and low stress (career and budget).
Is something missing?
posted by michael at 4:16 PM |
Thursday, May 10, 2001
THE NATURE OF BLOGSRichard's Dish had a thoughtful entry on blogs. Here is an exerpt: "What we put in a personal webpage is what face we show the world. Like deciding what to wear to a party, we pick any look we want for the impression we want to give and all the people we meet are none the wiser as to what we're really like."He continues, "Trying to find ourselves, we do and say all sorts of things, allying ourselves with ideas, causes, music, people, places so that when we read the "about me" section of blogs, they're inevitably a combination of some or all those things."I wrote a rather long response and I thought I'd link the entire (hopefully continuing) conversation here. Check it out! :)
posted by michael at 9:26 AM |
Wednesday, May 09, 2001
UP IN THE AIRHow sad but I am reconsidering the moving out plan. I had been so focused on it but it seems that I may have to learn the lesson of patience once again. I am not throwing the whole idea away, but it doesn't look good. I had been considering grad school but am unsure what direction to head in. A friend and a coworker are headed out to get their masters now, and I am feeling like I should make a decision. What ever happened to learning Chinese? Will I ever start that up again? And what happened to working out? What happened to my passion in Koinonia. It used to be all that I thought about. Am I finding a healthy balance, or do I just not care. When will I pull the thorn(s) out of my side? Things at work are coming to a head as well. The promotional exam may be done, but what makes the city world go round is reputation. I have a good chance to make a good one because my project is going to commission in June. There will be a new mayor, new council offices, a bunch of new neighborhood groups, and we want to crank out all our projects now. This is my chance to get it done. On the positive side, I am getting enough rest, I have more than solid friends and family, and the Lakers look like they will win the NBA championship. "Take things one by one, Michael. It will be fine." Oh God, I'm talking to myself in my own online journal.
posted by michael at 6:09 PM |
Tuesday, May 08, 2001
BOOK CLUBThe first time I read The Great Gatsby, I didn't really pay much attention to it since it was required reading in high school. Fitzgerald seemed cool to me, so I resolved to pick it up again later. The second time around, I found myself really into it, but not understanding much. What's up with that Daisy chick? What was the green light all about? It wasn't until I started reading the cliff-notes that I began to get a glimpse of what Fitzgerald was trying to do, what he was trying to say. I already liked the book, but with each new thing I learned, my appreciation for it grew. Anyway, that is how I feel about The Names, by Don Delillo, which I just finished. I liked it, but I get a sense that I am missing a lot. I am especially curious about Owen's childhood experience with speaking in tongues. Anyway, all I really mean to say is that now I know why there are those book clubs. For now, I guess I'll have to scour the Internet for some opinions...
posted by michael at 5:59 PM |
Monday, May 07, 2001
PASTAWent to an old favorite before the movie. I had not been to La Grotta di Capri in quite a while. Fresh pasta, excellent Caesar salad, strange decor, uneven service, and the distinct feeling that the place is a mafia hideout pretty much describe the experience. The walls are covered with mediocre European looking paintings. The wallpaper is something out of a horrible old school movie. The music is soft and doesn't really fit. The air was a bit stale. It is a restaurant on its last legs. It was 6pm on a Sunday night and the only other patrons were two tables with adorable, silent, formally dressed senior citizen couples. Still, the spinach ravioli with Paverotti sauce (yes, named after the singer... all it really is cream sauce with ham, bell peppers, artichokes etc) was very good and fresh, the salad excellent as always, and the stuffed mushrooms were fine. I was a little more than disappointed to find that they don't prepare the salad in front of you anymore. I can't say that this place is all that great a dining experience, but it still holds special memories for me. It was one of the first places where I could actually discern the difference between microwave pasta, and fresh pasta. Also of great importance, it was the first place I learned that the best Caesar salads are made with anchovies and raw egg. For that, it will always have special place in my heart. We had a friendly discussion with our youngish waiter. As always assumed, it is a family owned restaurant. Apparently, the chef had left about four months ago. The waiters exact words were, "The old man doesn't do much but watch now-a-days." If I had known that things would go away like this, I would have spent more time eating there. I wish I could see that Caesar made in front of me one more time. Is that how life is? Things fade, get old, and eventually die. From the smallest things we enjoy, to our very own parents, life comes and goes. Best enjoy it while it's there. I should feel bittersweet, but somehow my cynical heart is reassured that all the old clichés remain true, even the sad ones.
posted by michael at 6:26 PM |
Sunday, May 06, 2001
THE MUMMY RETURNSWhile I do admit to being a bit of a film snob, I still have affection for simple Hollywood flicks as well. You can't always eat escargot. Sometimes a solid jumbo jack is just as good. Anyway, I saw The Mummy Returns. I have always had a fondness for Brendan Fraser. He is no Johnny Depp or John Cusack, but then again, who is? It was a straight forward, bloodless, special effects Hollywood flick. The only thing I want to say about it is I liked how Brendan was married. I guess he hooked up with the beautiful Rachel Weisz in the first movie, and he continued to hook up with her in the sequel as well. I appreciated how the couple was married with child. It wasn't some 007 or Indiana Jones movie where the main character seduces new beautiful women every time around. Here's to monogamy! I also went to my Cambodia missions team meeting today. Most of the team consists of older professionals, mostly women. Why is that? It was the same in IVCF. Why does it seem that women are more willing to go on missions? I was a bit nervous because I wasn't sure if I was on the team, but I left the meeting assured of my participation. Expect letters. Soon. Maybe I'll try to use my webpage somehow too... hmm. Anyway, more on this later.
posted by michael at 10:37 PM |
Saturday, May 05, 2001
NOTES AND HEALTHThanks for all the kind emails and suggestions. Please continue them! If you were thinking about writing me, don't think you are free of your obligation just because someone else wrote. I am still getting some of the last minute kinks out. Thanks for your patience. A few of you have commented about the new title. It seems that it stirs some confusion. People seemed to prefer "Obscurity Knocks". Hopefully it will grow on us. Will it help if I say that I am not referring to the things on our heads? It’s about these mid-twenties that seems so difficult to be in. Far be it for a 24-year-old boy to say that he is gaining wisdom, but I think that I have been learning something. It may be obvious to many, but I have learned how important it is to listen to my body. Hear when it is tired, when it is hungry, when it is on the verge of sickness. Is it a young man's thing to abuse their bodies and not listen to it? There didn't seem to be as many consequences to lack or rest, eating right, etc. It is still hard for me to hear my body talk to me, but I at least I take the time to try. Maybe I tried to deny listening to my body because my hormones are always screaming so loud. They are like little devils sitting on my shoulder, but that's another story for another time.
posted by michael at 2:38 PM |
Friday, May 04, 2001
BACK ONLINE I am back with somewhat of a new design. Would you believe that I actually coded some of it myself? I hope you like it. The general frame was stolen from Caterina.net. She is way cool. Initially, I didn't know why I had stopped the webpage. I realized that it came at the same time that I started talking to "her" again. Talking to her again signified to me that the whole thing was over. I was done with it. I suddenly didn't feel the desire to write on my webpage anymore. It was strange. Was "obscurity knocks" another part of my mourning and healing process? Maybe. Now the page is simply "The Hairy Years", another song by the Trashcan Sinatras. The mid-twenties are painful in so many ways, but somehow I feel they are filled with beauty as well. There is too much to say, I'll mention some things in passing: 1. The gravity of purchasing real estate is starting to hit me. Lets not forget the logistical problems either. 2. I'm excited about the prospect of blowing my two weeks of vacation on a Medical / Missions trip to Cambodia. (God rocks!) 3. The promotional exam results are NOT back yet, and I don't really expect anything of interest to report for at least a few months. 4. I have never been so sick in my life. This past year I have been a walking, talking ball of pestilence. That will change, damnit. 5. The Angels stink. I mean, really, really stink. 6. I can't believe how much I now know about deviant lifestyles. 7. How safe and pitiful is it to have a crush on a girl you only know through weblogs? Very? A little? You like her too? 8. Almost done reading Don Delillo's The Names. I only have twenty other books waiting on my bookshelf. 9. How many times can one wear a dress shirt without dry-cleaning?
posted by michael at 12:47 PM |
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