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Tuesday, February 27, 2001
YET ANOTHER...busy weekend. I wasn't going to talk about it cuz my buddy said that I frequently comment on how I should do less on weekends. But I'll still list what happened... there was too much to talk about in detail... FRIDAY: 7am - 4pm... work 7pm - 10pm... koinonia 11pm - midnight... failed attempt to go clubbing (no parking on sunset) midnight - 2am... went to bar away from the crowds SATURDAY: 8am - 2pm... childrens committee function (which i am a member) 2pm - 5pm... koinonia planning with nathan 5pm - 6pm... all english cong. meeting/goodbye to hoover (left early) 6pm - 7pm... conversation with interesting wandering christian 7pm - midnight... went to listen to live punk bands at "al's bar" midnight - 2am... chicken and waffles at Roscoes on Sunset SUNDAY: 10am -1:30pm... Church (actually made it) 2:00pm - 4:00pm... koinonia planning meeting 4:30pm - 6:00pm... Sony PlayStation 2 with Jason 6:30pm - 8:30pm... Simon Wai's bday dinner hehe... so that was my fun weekend. ill try to describe things in future entries.
posted by michael at 11:55 AM |
SLEEPI think I am getting sick. When I got home from work, I scarfed down a bagel, took a quick shower, and headed to bed. I woke up thirteen hours later and headed to work. I had a bunch of random dreams. In one, I received a traffic ticket from a friendly police officer. I also went to visit my older brother and had a pleasant discussion on fish. I had a goldfish and he had a killer whale. I was asking him if he cleans and feeds his killer whale properly. I was considering buying myself a 13 game mini-plan for the upcoming Angels baseball season. I don't know where I think I have that kind of money. Another problem is that if I were to purchase two tickets, who will go with me to all the games? The package gives me every saturday home game for the next six some months. Is it too much of a hassle for me to have to find people to go with? Despite all these potential problems, I just might do it anyway. Last random bit for today. Everyone should check out http://www.ed.ac.uk/~rlew/. Its very good!
posted by michael at 8:56 AM |
Sunday, February 25, 2001
LOS ANGELESI love the city of angels. If I were to settle here for the rest of my life, I would be completely content with that. I'd love to visit new places, but I have no desire to reside anywhere else. I mean, I have access to so many different things here. There is the city, the suburb, the beach, the mountains, and everything inbetween. In Los Angeles, I can eat hip french food, authentic chinese cuisine, overpriced pieces of raw fish, or hard core soul food. LA is the home to every subculture, every "scene", every lifestyle imaginable. It is the place of broken dreams and eternal hope. Its one big uncontrollable mess, and I love it. Anyway, I am going to bed now. Its raining outside, but its still a beautiful day to me.
posted by michael at 11:00 PM |
Thursday, February 22, 2001
RETIREMENTYesterday was the retirement party for the Senior City Planner for the Valley office. The Party was held at some silly place called "Tu Tu Tango" at Universal Citywalk. Ninety of us saw Frank off, eating portobella mushroom caesar salad, cajun chicken egg rolls, and dijon chicken skewers. I was fairly impressed with the food, but the dessert was incredible. It was this really excellent almond flan. My preference is usually on the salty side of things, so for me to remember the dessert at all is significant. I would say that it was the best flan I have ever had, including the time I had some in Panama. It was very dense, and not excessively sweet either. Anyway, the party was good but it had a bittersweet edge to it. Frank had worked for the department for more than 38 years. He was in charge of the Valley for the last 14. He was infamously known for being hard to work for. The valley was seen by some as a penal colony. A transfer to the valley was akin to some sort of punishment, due to his reputation. New employees (like myself) would be sent there to "pay their dues". During the program, many of the speakers tried to refute that image, but it sounded too defensive. It was also bittersweet in that Frank had been with the department for so long, that he had seen people who were once under him, get promoted above him. Our Deputy Director, as well as one of our Principal Planner both had F as as a supervisor early in their careers. I think it was difficult for him to make that transition. Frank was stubborn, hard headed, very knowledgeable, but not very savvy when it came to management style. He was a wealth of planning expertise and got his projects done in a timely manner, but most people didn't like the way he treated you to accomplish that. More detrimental to his career, he didn't have a good repore with his supervisors. He often times tried to keep them out of the loop. Now, my personal experience with him has been positive, but only because he was never too interested in my project. He let me work and left me to myself. He was an interesting guy. Outside of being a planner, he has a healthy family life. He raised six kids and has a happy marriage. He is very wealthy. He owns 11 houses around Los Angeles County and is a bit of a real estate king (which is actually looked down upon by the department). I can't help but think what my retirement will be like. Will I become of the those "lifers" who spend their entire career's with the city? I am unique in that I already have things I want to do after I retire. Its a strange thing to say when you consider that I am only 24 and just started work little more than a year ago. Whatever the case, if I can retire one day with as balanced and healthy a life as my boss, I wouldn't mind.
posted by michael at 8:28 AM |
Friday, February 16, 2001
HOPESo I have had a crappy week. Its one of those weeks where life kicks you in the ass early. I don't know why I am shocked to find that my "good intentions", are still a bit tainted by pride and selfishness. Should I be surprised that things will not turn out the way I envision? Well the week obviously gets worse as it goes along. Throw in a lonely valentines day, a pinch of added uncertainty in terms of career, a dash of church politics, and a cloud of self doubt, and you get a pretty distracted boy. Of course, my response to rough times is hardly to step it up. My genius response is to start up a few "coping" habits, which really mean that I avoid and exasperate each and every situation. Well the week is almost over, and things are beginning to look up. I have been emailing a friend, and she mentioned to me that while I we may both be experiencing twentysomething angst, that I have a greater sense of hope. And for all my whining, for all my self pity, and for all my ranting and raving, I can't help but agree to some degree. It doesn't make my doubts, my hurts, and my overall "loserness" any less evident, or any less painful, but I would say that I do have hope. I admit that I sincerely do believe that this is just two steps back in an eventual three steps forward to where I am going. Besides, the lessons I learn aren't for me to choose. My character isn't for me to shape. Oh God, I hope that is true. That is my hope. Couple that with good friends, and I just may be able to suck it up, get back into the fray, humbled, renewed, and with a new game plan.
posted by michael at 8:55 AM |
Tuesday, February 13, 2001
DOES IT FIT?I was looking over my that last entry just now... and it reminded me of something. Amazingly enough, it reminded me of my Myers/Briggs personality type. A lot of what has been happening in Koinonia has to do with this. "Discussions regarding the future or the past are not the ESFP's strong suit, and in fact they're likely to miscontrue future-looking statements as something that needs immediate attention." I always jump to fix things or try and make things happen right away. No patience. I also dont' mind throwing the past away, and just doing something different if I think it will be better. "The ESFP under a great deal of stress gets overwhelmed with negatives thoughts and possibilities. As an optimistic individual who lives in the world of possibilities, negative possibilities do not sit well with them." Just read the tone of my entry. "ESFPs do not handle conflict well at all. They take any sort of criticism very personally, and consider it to be a general indictment of their character." Oh its so me, just ask my mom. Do you remember my previous journal about how i love building teams? "The ESFP is a great team player. He or she is not likely to create any problems or fuss, and is likely to create the most fun environment possible for getting the task done... ESFPs usually like to feel strongly bonded with other people, and have a connection with animals and small children that is not found in most other types." "ESFPs have a very well-developed appreciation for aesthetic beauty, and an excellent sense of space and function." I am a city planner. "They're likely to have a strong appreciation for the finer things in life, such as good food and good wine." I love food. "They are extremely in tune with their five senses, and may be prone to overload them with too much alcohol, food, or drugs." Hehe. "Some people may disapprove of the ESFP's fun-oriented lifestyle. Others may be put off by their very stright-forward and blunt speaking style." That is DEFINITELY true. :) Its almost frightening how much I fit it... here is the link to the entire profile. Here is what they say about me and romance. And here is what they say about me and what i should do for my occupation. I am in awe of that test. Hopefully this can be used as a tool to improve and understand myself, not limit or give excuses for myself.
posted by michael at 2:31 PM |
Monday, February 12, 2001
LEADERSHIPAh the life of leadership is not an easy one, especially for one as flawed as I. It is an extremely humbling experience. While I present many strengths, I am learning more and more about my weaknesses as a leader. Number one, I move too fast. I need to be more patient. Number two, I have too many knee jerk reactions. Number three, I am too sensitive to criticism. Damnit, I can't get discouraged. Gots to get back up, improve and move on. Besides, I have something called grace on my side. She won't let me down...
posted by michael at 11:46 PM |
Thursday, February 08, 2001
ITS MY DAMN SITE... AND ILL DO AS I PLEASE!!!The title may infer that I am upset, which I am not. I hope no one took offense to it. I am actually talking to myself. I have a good idea that this journal entry will be alternately rambly as well as embarrassing. What do I say to that? Well.. read the title. I have forgotten just how much I like the trashcan sinatras. The only CDs i have at work right now are "ive seen everything" by the boys, and also "ok computer" by radiohead. well im too lazy to take the sinatras out of my computer so their wonderful melodies are constantly going into my little brain as i type various design guidelines, emails, reports, journal entries, and memos. Well today I was feeling a bit curious about a specific lyric, so I spent all of lunch looking at their website. It really is good stuff. No, really. Here is an example... it was all a big mistake it was all a big mistake it was all a big mistake and i've seen everything, i've seen everything the last three cheers, we're shaking the bottle pull the cork on us, there is no tomorrow no yesterday and we won't be sorry we knew all along that we'd never matter we're leaving here, regret to inform but soothe your fear, we're off where it's warm and i've seen everything, i've seen everything of course, i especially like the part that says "we knew all along that we'd never matter". don't u ever feel that way? but the song isn't too full of pity either. hehe yeah i am rambling now. you have GOT to hear the song in all its glory. here is the site. the song is 'i've seen everything'. question for you,... have any of you ever looked at the personals? you know, in newspapers, or internet sites, or anything like that? they say things like "my name is mike cham, i like long walks on the beach, sunsets, puppy dogs and ice cream. i am spontaneous, honest and have a heart of gold. blah blah blah." well suffice to say that I have. in fact, there is a very embarrassing story that goes along with this. i occasionally read these deceitful things and even write to them. why? i dunno. morbid curiosity, loneliness, too much time on my hands, i can't really tell you. anyway, its very doubtful to ever get a response from such things so i didn't expect anything. but one such email that i wrote went to a girl who actually is living with a close close college friend of mine. her boyfriend, exboyfriend, limbo relationship guy, is another buddy of mine. oh my GOD. well they didn't have too much fun at my expense, for which i am eternally grateful. after one or two correspondences, the truth was laid out for all to be seen, or actually, for me to see. sigh. perhaps the big guy upstairs is telling me something... like "mike, u idiot, stop worrying about that stuff and just do your job."
posted by michael at 1:14 PM |
Wednesday, February 07, 2001
DreamsI had a disturbing dream the other night. There was some sort of problem and a good friend asked me to go to his house and take care of business. My job was to bring my machine gun and shoot the bad guys there. I was feeling pretty confident. I knew I could do the job. I went in and starting shooting those bastards down. I took them all out. I was feeling pretty smug, until I realized that I had damaged the house. My bullet holes were everywhere. His parents came in and were upset that they had to buy new furniture, fix the walls, and replace everything I messed up. They weren't upset with me, but I could see how they questioned the decision to bring me in to help. I felt pretty crappy. I didn't consider the ramifications of my solution to the problem. I woke up rather disturbed. A lot of my dreams follow this trend. I do something, and do fairly well for a while. At some point in my dream, I feel as though my success is not realistic. I think to myself that it is probably short lived or even worse, that I am doing more damage than good. Then my fantasy turns into more of a nightmare. My doubts materialize themselves in the dream, and cause things to go bad. The implications on my psyche are obvious and distressing. Whats a guy to do?
posted by michael at 8:43 AM |
Tuesday, February 06, 2001
STAGESI can hardly get up in the mornings these days. You wouldn't believe how busy I am this week. I work from 7:15 to 6:00pm and get home at around 7:00pm. Yesterday, I met one of my highschool youth counselors for dinner. Today I will hopefully see Dick Lee with Patty. On wednesday I will finalize the retreat plans with Jessie, Debbie and Frank, and of course, I have my chinese tutor on Thursday. I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, but it is a bit exhausting. I just need to make sure that I can stay focused at work, and also find time to study for Chinese. I will end the work week in style on Friday because it will be my cousin's birthday. Besides being very fond of Brenda and always having a damn good time with her, I'm looking forward to catching up with some friends and aquaintances. Ever since she moved out to LA, I have had the opportunity to attend various parties and social functions that are out of my social circle. I have met ivy leaguers, financial big boys, potential actors, sitcom writers, producers, chefs, druggies, police academy cadets, japanese exhange students, rock band managers, massage therapists, agents... you name it. Its pretty cool. Anyway, I wanted to write about dinner yesterday. I really enjoyed seeing my old church counselor. It had been a long time and we were happy to see each other in new stages of life. The last time I had talked to him at length was during my highschool years. At that time, he was a teacher living the single bachelor life. Now he is a principle of a school, he ismarried, he has a son, he has his first home. It really is quite amazing. We were happy to see that we had both moved on fairly intact. It was interesting because he reminded me what a hard time I had in highschool. He told me how proud he was to see that I was doing well, considering how down and out I often was back then. I was surprsied to hear that, but I realized that he is right. I did have a rough go at it during highschool. I must have repressed all those memories, but I was glad to realize that I had moved on from that point. We talked about setting up finances, marriage, and fatherhood. It was a sobering exchange. I think that I have rather misguided notions, or an incomplete picture as to what that life is all about. Now it was only one conversation, but I did get a sense of the challenges marriage and fatherhood represent. The responsibility and humility it takes to have a career and raise a family. The challenge and work it takes to have complete intimacy, a corporate identity, with another person. The stuggles were obvious, as were the joys. I even saw his son walk for the first time! But if there is anything I took away from the conversation, it is that I am not ready for this life. I thank God for being at the stage where I can better prepare. Driving away that night, I got this sense that I don't have frank discussions like this with people in different stages of life. Where do my expectations for what life should be like come from? Some silly television show? A movie? Popular cultures watered down messages will hardly equip anyone for real life. Learning how ill prepared I currently am actually ironicly gives me a sense of peace that I may be on the right track.
posted by michael at 8:55 AM |
Thursday, February 01, 2001
MOVIES AND LIFEOne of the more annoying aspects of my personality is that i love to predict what will happen. When I watch a movie, i try to figure out who the bad guy is before the person is revealed, or maybe i speculate on who will die first (or as i like to say, who is the 'goose'). I love to get a handle on upcoming plot twists and turns. For the most part, I try to keep these things to myself, but once in a while when I am either in a particularily good mood, giddy, arrogant, or silly, I will lower my guard and that natural instinct to talk during the movie will come out. The amazing thing is that i am sometimes right. But it isn't really a difficult thing to do. The first rule is that every movie is created by a director, and the director decides exactly what he wants in it. Everything you see in the movie is a choice. Therefore, there isn't anything that doensn't have significance. There isnt' anything that doesn't mean anything. If a scene or statement doesn't seem to tie well to the main plot, don't fear, it will sooner or later. And most movies and television shows follow general conventions. Its the set up. If they want you to feel a certain way, its only to bring out another point. The easy one is the 'goose' syndrome. If there is a main protagonist, his buddy usually dies. You know, the funny and loveable guy who the main protagonist feels a sense of comradarie with. Of course, you need to also consider the movie. If they want sequels, they may not kill the buddy, but if it is an R movie, the buddy is almost always a dead duck. Anyway, its fairly easy to do this kind of stuff with most movies. Its like a little game you play with the director. You have to know the director well. Some have very specific styles, conventions and tools that they use (david lynch, martin scorecese). Others like to change their conventions depending on the movie they make (Ron Howard, Steven Sodenberg). Some directors are better at hiding their secrets than others but the point is that you can still do it if you know the director. But how about real life. It isn't like that in life, you can't predict who will die, who will betray you, who u will hook up with, or what will happen. Sometimes things happen in our lives that aren't aligned to the main plot at all. It isn't as if everything comes together in the end like it does in the movies... or... does it? Perhaps there actually is a director, and every scene does mean something. Maybe the problem is that we don't know who the real protagonist is, maybe we are mistaking who the heart of the story is actually about. And ill give you a clue as to what I am thinking... it isn't us.
posted by michael at 8:55 AM |
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