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Wednesday, January 31, 2001
PLANSPlans and ideas play a large part in what I am all about. First of all, I have been making plans like a madman all year long. Perhaps working as a city planner has gotten me addicted to setting goals, feeling a situation out, finding out what is best to do, and setting a course for it. But equally important a skill, I think, is being able to adapt those same plans. The best plans have some room for flexibility. To get macro for a bit, for all of humanities plans, they always go wrong somewhere. its best to align yourself as much as you can with He who's plan will not go unfettered, but even with that we can only try our best, never knowing if we are there for sure. anyways, bottom line it, i know that things more often than not will turn out differently than i expected. Case in point: i want to eventually purchase my own place, whether it be townhouse, condo, apt, duplex, it doesn't matter, all i want is out of my childhood home and into an equity building, responsibility developing, independence proclaiming, cool looking, place of residence, if only so i don't have to tell prospective girlfriends i live at home. (kidding of course, well.. not completely) . my plan was to have my bud and past roomie from San Diego, sam, live with me as a renter when he moved to Pasadena for seminary. it would have been perfect but now it seems that sammy's dad has the same idea for him, that he would get some property and rent it out. so it looks like the original plan may not be feasable. so what are my priorities? well i know i want to move out, and i know i should NOT live on my own. i am not one who will do will on his own. i need to have that quality roomie to talk things over with, as well as make me feel responsible enough to do my part of the cleaning, and keep me on the straight and narrow. so those two things are my priorities. owning a place is a very very close second priority. something will have to be worked out. a partnership seems very complicated and highly risky, but if it is at all possible in this world, i think sam and i could do it. whatever the case, it is still too early to say. i still need to save money like a madman if i am to be able to afford anything, and sam doesn't come out til september. Another case in point: koinoinia, everyone's favorite young adult christian fellowship group. initially i wanted to serve in my current position for only a year. in fact, i was thinking of bailing out of the group completely when my term finished. we are thinking really big this year, and i realize now that i am afraid that it will go horribly, or it will go well for a bit, and then go horribly. i am quite the optimist you know. in the event everyone hates me, i needed that light at the end of the tunnel, a sort of a set time limit to escape from the group without feeling like i was bailing. and though i may still leave my post after the year is up, i am finding that one year will not be enough time to do the things i had in mind... to follow through on the vision set out before me. people don't always respond in the way that i want... which is fine, but i just need to understand that and be patient. see there is the upcoming retreat that will be taking place in a month, and we still have much to do with that, then there is a rather large service project in the works. i was hoping a team of people would take that from me so that i can focus on the spiritual content of the retreat, but that seems more and more like it isn't going to happen. maybe because it was presented the wrong way or maybe because thats just the way it is, but that is fine, it just means that i won't be able to get to it til after the retreat. and this project was really just to get the ball rolling, i doubt that we will be able to even begin til mid year. of course some plans just need to be hammered at: learning chinese, working out, and not buying fast food and eating it in the car, are goals of mine that really don't need much adjusting as much as major discipline. the trend has been that i have been able to do one of the three any given week. making matters worse, i have been feeling under the weather lately. there is no time for that... gotta heal up, damnit!!!
posted by michael at 8:18 AM |
Sunday, January 28, 2001
THE WEEKENDWoke up late for church again. Not a big big deal, but it is indicative of larger issues and poor decisions i make. I regret missing hear Pastor Lee speak, since he probably won't give another sermon before he goes back to England. There has been this feeling in me that has been growing steadily that I am on the right track, but just can't follow through. My mom is back from her visit up north, and has been telling me this for quite a while now. But my ingrained habits aren't so easily broken. Anyway, I went to the superbowl party. The actual game was so bad that we played eight player Football on the PS2. It was good to see a group of us together again. I left early to attend Urban Mosaic with a friend. Urban is this other church i occasionally go to. It is held at 5pm at a club, and is geared to young adults, though the trend lately has been leading towards college students. I don't mind, though, it reminds me of my IVCF days (albiet a bit hipper). The service was really good. Ever hear something that seemingly was geared specifically to you? That was how I felt. Didn't get a chance to play pool afterwards with Hannah and Nancy, but didn't mind since I was feeling tired anyway. I had dinner with a new friend the night before. Drove a good hour down to Costa Mesa to meet her, and was glad to do it. We met at the Macaroni Grill. The restaurant had great ambiance, and there was also a live opera vocalist. The food was your standard hip italian fare, and was affordable and mediocre. It was easy to tell what kind of market niche they were going for and I think that it works. Its a good place to go out and have a good time but not necessarily for 'foodies'. We had coffee and walked around afterwards. It was cool that even though this was the first time we hung out, we got along like old friends. One thing that was interesting was that I was acutely aware that we looked like we were on a date, and considering that she was a fairly cute persian girl, and I am a normal looking chinese guy, we got a few double takes, especially from my fellow asians. It was hardly a romantic evening, but if Arrezu and I promoted a multicultural society, i wouldn't really mind. Looking forward to a productive week at work. Im feeling 'in the mode' again. You know that feeling you get when you are sick and tired of doing the wrong thing at the wrong time and in the wrong place? I just got it.
posted by michael at 9:25 PM |
Thursday, January 25, 2001
CLIPPERS and PRAGERI apologize to all those who aren't LA sports fan for my journal entries that constantly talk about sports. But last night I went to the quintessential Clipper game. They did fairly well for most of the game, and even led by 7 points with only a minute and a half left in the game. Then in classic Clipper style, they blow the lead, giving up a three pointer to ex clipper Brent Barry, leaving all star point guard Gary Payton wide open for another three, follow this up with missed layups, turnovers, and missed free throws, and you get a good and painful loss. Of course, they can't just lose like a normal team, they instead have to take another half hour from my life by going into overtime and losing in an excruciatingly slow manner. Yes, this is the Clipper experience, and always will be the clipper experience. I just hope Lamar Odom leaves in a few years with his sanity intact. One cool thing about our trip to Staples Center was that there were so few seats sold that they closed the upper deck and replaced our tickets with some very very good ones. I am fairly sure that the athletes could hear me. I was trying to voice my encouragement to Lamar, by screaming his name "GO Ooooodom", and his body jerked just a little towards us. Unfortunately, I couldn't tell if he thought I was heckling him. Sigh. During half time the male cheerleaders (oh God) threw out Tshirts to the crowd. It was rather sad, but one went right into my hands, ok, in both my hands and my friends hands, but we totally chucked the catch, and our free clippers Tshirt fell into the lap of a little boy. I could say that I was glad that the kid got it and that I was planning on giving it to him anyway, but I would be lying. Totally unrelated to the clipper game is that I was listening to Dennis Prager yesterday. He is this Jewish, conservative, smug, intelligent, thoughtful and generally pretty right on, radio talk show host. I only got to listen for a bit, but the topic of the day was "why women like bad boys". Sounds very Springer, but really, its not that bad of a topic. Anyway, I didn't hear the callers, but I heard one of this thoughts that rung true in my head. He said that this current generation of men are 'sensitive' and that is fine, but in fact women want 'perceived strength/power'. He was making references to the old school guys who fought World War II. You know, the best generation of Americans and all that. You know, stoic men raised on John Wayne instead of Chandler Bing. Anyway, he says that Women, in general, want someone who knows who they are, what they believe in, and are willing to stand up for that. It reminds me of when a good friend told me how important it was for her to feel 'safe'. So, being nice or sensitive can be good or bad. If you are nice only out of weakness, it does you no good. But if you are humble or good out of strength, well that's a different story. I think that is true. But what it also makes me think about, is that it also depends on what the woman values in terms of power. In my humble opinion, it isn't always the right thing. In fact, often times exterior impressions or even just what others think seem to be more important that true character. What is valued by popular culture is constantly shifting and probably isn't what is right anyway, what's a guy to do? Nothing. Just go your own way and hope for the best. OK. I'll stop being rambling and being preachy, and end with this... "Sly Stallone is in, Alan Alda is out." -Guy Gardner (Green Lantern, JLA #1)
posted by michael at 10:11 AM |
Monday, January 22, 2001
SPENDINGWell it was another good weekend, but a bit excessive on the activity side. Friday was another snowboarding trip. This being my third time, I am proud to say that I can now make turns at a fairly fast pace. It really is quite a nice feeling. Of course, this counters the feeling in my bruised and battered behind, but you take the good with the bad. My original plan with snowboarding was to get a good feel of it through my three time pass. That would allow me to see just how much I like it, and if i did, then purchase my own gear. So I have gone three times, taken three lessons, and guess what, I do like it. So what is the problem? I guess the problem is that if I want new gear, it will cost me around 600 dollars. Ouch. Of course, I can go for the bargains and also get used equipment, but even with that, it will cost me quite a bit. I don't know. I am not one to save money well, but some of my best friends and I have been trying to step it up as men, and one part of that is being good stewards of our cash, or lack of cash. So I have to ask myself, is it worth it? I am not convinced yet. But how about the other purchases I want to make. Is it worth it for me to pay 50 bucks for a new play station game? Is it worth it for me to buy the cowboy bepop box set for 200 dollars? (I recently rented the fifth DVD and damn it was good). But you get the gist of the way my mind is working. I mean, I want to get a palm pilot too. Right now I have my big brothers discarded orginal palm. It is about the size of a labtop. I feel ridiculous busting my baby out when it is thicker than everyones brief case. But can I justify the expense? I don't make a lot of money, but i do make some. I don't pay any rent but i am trying to save up and move out by the end of the year. Its all very confusing. I am not opposed to spending money. Just look at my $20 K honda accord, or my $100, no it wasn't on sale, banana republic jacket, or the fact that I even have a $300 play station system. Sometimes I tend to think that I spend too much on what i call 'one time' purchases. Things like food, coffee, movies, sports events. They really add up fairly quickly. Maybe i should cut down on those and then get the things that will stay with me longer, like furniture, books, clothes, snowboarding gear etc etc. And so what if the gear/game/sofa chair is a guilty pleasure, a guy has got to live a little right? Whatever the case, there is obviously a health balance somewhere. When you find it, let me know.
posted by michael at 2:31 PM |
Thursday, January 18, 2001
CALLING 'HER'While talking on the phone last night, I began to feel that urge to contact my exgirlfriend. The last contact I had with her was this rather harsh email I sent during the holiday season. She was back in LA for a bit, and I wanted to be as honest and as strong as possible because seeing her would have been like a hit of heroin. No matter how good it initially feels, I would just feel miserable afterwards. It wouldn't change the fact that we were no longer together. It wouldn't change the fact that she had found a new man within a few weeks of my visit to Boston. It wouldn't change the face that she decided to date him without telling me, and it wouldn't change the fact that she isn't looking back. I needed to make it clear that I didn't want to see her and that I didn't see the benefit to continuing a friendship at this time. So yeah, that is how things went. But lately, I have begun to feel much better about things. Howerever painful it was, I am actually glad that we are no longer together. We had a good relationship, but honestly, we weren't a good fit. Part of me thinks this is just sour grapes on my part, but I honestly believe it. Anyway I felt like calling her. I really felt like God has been nudging me towards not feeling so harsh about what happened through a few incidents during the past few weeks. I had been hearing about other people's romantic histories, as well as getting a clearer view of that past relationship. I realized that, yes it was wrong, but these things happen all the time. I didn't know myself, but I was harboring some deep seated resentment for her. What she did was wrong, but it really is human nature. It shows how weak all of us are, and how difficult and beautiful real committment is. So I wanted to email her that while I still didn't want to be friends, I didn't feel resentful towards her. But I realized something. She is doing fine. She has moved on with her life and it probably doesn't really concern her. She is busy with med school and her new life. I'm sure it would be nice for her to hear, but she doesn't need it. I was worried about her feeling about things when honestly, she had already moved on. It was like that even when we were going out. I would always be two steps ahead about how she felt, looking to make her feel better about something when she never felt bad in the first place. God brought the change in how I felt, not necessarily because she needs it, but because I need it.
posted by michael at 1:41 PM |
Wednesday, January 17, 2001
BAD HABITSIt is so damn hard to keep bad habits at bay. Sometimes I make a list of all the bad habits that I have, just to drive myself crazy. Somewhere down the list, maybe at number 99, is walking funny. This is rather strange but I have this habit of walking on my toes. I am not like some ballerina, mind you, but at the same time, it is very clear that I often revert to walking on the front part of my foot instead of utilizing my entire foot. It really is embarrassing. My gait results in a sort of boppity motion where it seems that I am particularily happy. People in college could point me out from long distances because my head would move up and down more than the other students. My mom has been on a crusade to mention it to me everytime it occurs for the past 20 some years. I wouldn't mind not walking on my toes, its not as if I decided to one day. Of course, I can't help but to wonder what childhood trauma or physciological abberation causes it. Is it because of my rather wide feet? is it because I like to move fast? Is it because I would creep around the house late at night and try not to wake my parents up? Is it because I never would wear socks and the floor was cold. Why knows? Not me, that is for sure. But even if I found out, it wouldn't make the change any easier. Whats a guy to do? But the truth is that my walking habit is just be one of those eccentric things about me. Do I really need to worry about changing it? Maybe it gives me a quick first step in basketball. Whatever the case, the point isn't that this particular habit is dominating my life, but in a way, I do have a slew of habits which are much more destructive and in fact do hold me back. The negative effects vary from outright evil, to a subtle disruption in the day to day flow of my life. They keep me from being the guy that I want to be. So obviously I am a bit frustrated now... yes, it is safe to assume that these habits are rearing their ugly head. I am like the sleeping late, computer game playing, eating too much, being flaky man, and those are just the first appropriate ones that have come to mind. The interesting thing is that I am not frustrated because my life is falling apart. But I am disgusted because I am closer to getting my shit together than I ever have been before. I have a golden opportunity this year. Wouldn't it be a shame to let a few bad habits keep me from realizing the good things that can be done?
posted by michael at 8:55 AM |
Monday, January 15, 2001
JOSE CANSECOToday, the Anaheim Angels will sign Jose Canseco to their roster. It really is a sad day for the halos. Yet another over the hill baseball player that the Angels are trying to squeeze another good year from. Instead of signing free agents, or trading for players in their prime, the hapless Angels continually try to improve their team with 'bargains' like Jose. The team, which is owned by Disney, wants to keep its payroll down, so it avoids the expensive players and instead tries to revive the careers of players who were once but no longer very good. It really is quit sad. Not only is he injury prone and a poor teammate, he is a hated Angel Killer. Jose Canseco started his career as an Oakland Athletic. They used to consistently beat the Angels, sending them into second place and out of the playoffs. But like every other myopic fan, I remain hopeful that this will turn out well for the team. Maybe he has a good year left. Maybe he will bring something that we didn't have before. Maybe everything will come together, and we will go to the World Series for the first time in our 40 some year history. Or maybe everything will be exactly as it was before. Maybe we will just like we always are. A mediocre team that loses just enough games to be out of the playoffs. Why don't I just follow the Yankees, who have won three of the past four world series'? Why don't i just bandwagon on some winning organization? Because that would deprive me from any semblance of enjoyment for the game. I love to be loyal, and value when people are loyal to me. Its all about the team, or the clubhouse, or the cliche, whatever you want to call it. I believe in it, depend on it, and seek to create it. Trusted allies improve strengths, and round out weaknesses. Of course, what does this have to with being a fan of the Angels? It isn't as if I contribute to the team. I just go to a few games a year, and spend countless hours listening to them on the radio. But being loyal makes every little success fuller, richer, with more meaning. For me, how you got there is often times more important than the goal itself.
posted by michael at 2:32 AM |
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